Unpacking the understanding of abuse and remedies
I woke up this morning with fire inside my heart and head. I know what oppression feels like inside of my body. It feels like Hell. The way chaos and confusion ignite within you, every single organ feels like it needs to be destroyed. What is left to do with that kind of energy other than destroying more things around you?
Our human body is interesting. The more hysterical you can become of it, the more you start to disassociate from your pain and therefore ease your body. This is just a temporary relief of course. As any doctor will tell you, if you don’t remove the entire infection, you’re sure to lose a limb or your life. That’s why most turn to drugs..or love. Both help you biologically forget about your compromised psychology, at least for a little while.
Dissociating from your body feels better than burning in Hell. That’s one thing I know for sure. How else could you continue to walk through an unavoidable blaze? I did not grow up fully understanding that turning into pain is a choice. It’s a thoughtless, arousing choice. Children who grow up without awareness of themselves, or knowing how real love should feel, will find themselves in all kinds of situations they never imagined. Monsters really do exist in real life and they certainly don’t limit themselves to just staying under your bed or in your closet.
Living a life without love is living a life without connection. You will absolutely tack onto anything and everything that sparks your existence if you opt to serve yourself that way. I feel my purpose in life is to stick to doing what I do best. Being as fully open with my story in hopes that others who might be suffering can see, very deeply, that they are not alone.
I didn’t learn what domestic violence was until 26. I didn’t understand what verbal and emotional abuse was until I was 27. I went through relationships with men and friends who truly were detracting from my confidence and my ability to define who I was independent of them. A childhood infested with traumatic situations and abuse was the only schema I had to match up to the world around me.
I started a grant-funded trauma rehabilitation program a few months ago as my lack of cleaning house on my beliefs and values was in dire need of reorganizing. I think it’s important to be open about some of the traumas I have experienced because I now understand that some things for me were inevitable to face given my conditioning. I would never wish the experiences I went through on any person. However, had I named and spoken out on some of the situations I was alone with, I would have been able to identify faster what was happening and take action to change the momentum of my life. Manipulation and abuse make it hard to see through the fog. Especially if you never had a compass, to begin with.
Sharing some of these phrases to me is beyond vulnerable. It’s ugly and messy and real as fuck. Why I’m sharing this is because so many other women I talk to, specifically at large women, have even heard the same or similar things. There is never an excuse to oppress any other person’s life. Not only do I want to normalize the discussion around abuse, but also normalize the fact that you can come through ANY situation. No matter how low your life might surmount, you will always be able to get your body and psychology back to serve you in the fullest way possible. I believe that because I am seeing it, finally, firsthand for myself. I love you and wish you well. Feel free to share or save some of the “Self Care” materials at the bottom.
Things guys I’ve dated in the past have said:
- “Women are weak”
- “What did you say whore slut?”
- “I’m on the autistic spectrum, that’s why I can’t help what I say”
- “All women are whores”
- “I just want younger women to look up to you”
- “Periods are disgusting”
- “I don’t want to date the girl that everyone is after, that’s a slut”
- “It’s okay, you don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ll show you”
- “You know, he does really good boob jobs, you should talk to him”
- “Does this remind you of the way your ex choked you?”
- “You made me cheat”
- “See? You manifested destiny”
- “This is exactly why you’re going to make me cheat on you”
- “Will you be my girlfriend ? Will you be my girlfriend? Will you be my girlfriend?” (as we were having sex for the second time)
- “Don’t tell anyone about your past experience, it’s nothing to be proud for” (when it came to me opening my own consulting company)
- “Stop crying you’re almost 27”
- “Why are you acting crazy?”
- “For someone who has gone through so much you’d think you’d be stronger”
- “I’ll pay you to leave this trip”
- “See Heather? This is what happens when you get successful. You get to buy people through money”
- “Don’t be with a guy who you can grow with, be with a guy who can give you everything already. Look at your nails. They look horrible.”
- “Yeah but that was the gym..you can’t wear that out”
- “I don’t want to be in an open relationship I just want to have “experiences”
Things people in the workforce have said to me:
- “Why are you arguing with me?” (a nonexpert saying to me when I was elaborating on a topic that I was an expert in)
- “Just because you know how to build a website doesn’t mean I know you know email program skills” (during an interview process where it was nothing but microaggressions regarding my skillsets and experience)
- “We’ve paid you more than anyone else and tried to treat you like family”
- “I think you should reevaluate your financial goals”
- “Shouldn’t you be doing laundry?”
- “Why are you always dating doctors like you’re trying to be better than everyone”
- “I need to talk to someone who really knows what’s going on” *turns to an uninvolved male sales agent who then tells him everything I said was correct
- “He said that you’re a “get shit done” kind of manager and I don’t think that’s a very good thing at all” (I was a fulfillment manager)
- “Hopefully you don’t get tired and dried up like some of these other women around here”
- “Try to go to Vegas and not catch an STD”
- “I’m trying not to be upset Heather”
- “Please call me so that I can tell you what was talked about Heather, you really aren’t being there for me like you always promised”
- “We could really build an empire together if you could just see us together” (someone who wanted to schedule a “meeting” and it turned into a dinner date
- “You’re going to have to give me a little more than that in exchange”
- “Most women in business are really uptight”
- “Yeah you’re not like her at all”
- “Why can’t she dress like her”
- “He didn’t mean to do that, he is having a rough marriage because they just had a baby.”
- “There’s lots of people who don’t believe that you can do it and I agree, I don’t know if you are up to the task”
- “I came here from home, still sick even now, to tell you how disappointed I am with all of this. You’re all making me physically ill”.
